Twenty Thirteen – The Year of Yearning

by Marjorie

It is just an hour away before my 2013 playbook will close.

I’ve been through a lot this year (we all do) and I’m supposed to make a photo blog for this year’s highlights but unfortunately, the internet connection is not cooperative. Anyway I’ve been itching to write something since I want to let go my bottled up emotions.

It is my year of yearning. I never knew that my desire for security and happiness was very contagious. I expected a lot. I believed many false hopes. I convinced myself that I got a shot in almost everything as long as I devoted my time and life to it. But all I got was mostly disappointments.

Twenty thirteen justified my convictions to be a realist most of the time. And as usual people don’t understand. This is not a blog about regrets and sentiments about “what could’ve been” or “what if.” This is a blog about acceptance and letting go.

I admit that I became a slave of my emotions and I forgot the individuals that I should value more. I engrossed myself with so much trouble because I wasted time and feelings for the undeserving people. I know that loving many is an essential rule in life, but right now that idea for me is very hypocritical. I am not being bitter here as what most of my friends tell me. I just don’t want to dwell anymore with some daydreams and fantasies that demand my entire humanity.

This year I’ve been running in circles. I want to go out. I want to explore.

Life is an echo.  I’ve hurt many people and I don’t care if they’ll judge my entirety because of my mistakes. But as far as I’m concerned I too was scarred. I’m a masochist who’s willing to feel pain because until now I’m facing many personal issues about myself that I don’t even want to talk about. Almost every time I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved by many. Whenever people give their affections, I start to distance. I only choose few to be at my side. And sometimes those “few” tend to be insensitive about my existence. They don’t even care if they hurt me or not as long as they’re able to express their blatant opinions in almost everything.

But don’t worry this 2014, I will still be the smiling little girl who might give sunshine to someone who’s grieving with the rain. Yet this time, I’ll try my best to detach myself from too much attachment so that my emotions will not be wasted again.

I yearned so much this year. I yearned to believe that perhaps I deserve everything in my life right now. I yearned to be loved; I yearned for a happy ever after. But I’m just fooling myself.

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