There are actually tons of moments, feelings and decisions that I love and I hate about my life. Sometimes, I just feel how lucky or blessed I am because euphoric realizations are overflowing that I got to appreciate life in just a snap. I feel good, and honestly I always want to feel good and be visible. I mean, come on who doesn’t?
But not now. Certainly not now. I don’t know but I guess that me being so wistful consists more than one half of what and how should I feel about my life. Considering that I keep on moving forward with a smile, I say inspiring things, I teach them in fact. Sorry for the rants.
I easily get distracted of things, over thinking, overanalyzing, and I just want my damn mind to calm. But it’s very unruly, and it won’t stop. That’s why I abhor myself most of the time and I tend to run away from things that I suppose to face and just think logically. I ignore sympathetic people and I consider compassionate as a human weakness. The problem with me is that I know that people are naturally born to be rational yet I want myself to be inhuman. So cold-hearted that my soul tends to shiver, but then again this so called “warmness “of being a Human keeps on hunting me and it’s so infuriating. It contradicts of what I really am. I push myself so hard to escape freedom, go beyond limitations and be a sinister ambitious creation of I don’t know.
People, as if their opinion really matters but as much as I hate to say this but it really! That’s why I have no choice but keep on pleasing them and chasing the persona they expected me to be. It’s like my way to survive. I live in this mediocrity and it’s very gloomy to say that I can’t and I will never find a way out. I keep on living this life to be satisfied yet I know I will never will.
Happiness is a choice and I have all the fucking ways to choose it. But why is it so hard for me?